Star Wars Top Ten lists

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Star Wars Top Ten Lists A product of Yoda's whacked Comedy Theatre!

Last Updated: 5/18/99
11 entries (4 just added)

Table of Contents (Click on link to jump right to list.)

Top Ten Things Cut Out Of The Star Wars Trilogy	Han Solo's Pet Peeves	Top Ten Perverted Lines In Star Wars	Top Ten Ways You Know You Bought A Second-Rate Death Star
Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear In A Star Wars Movie	David Lettermen's Top Ten Things You Won't See In The New Special Editions	Wizard Magazines Top Ten Things That Didn't Make It In The Special Editions	Ten Ways to tell your X Wing's in trouble
Top Ten Ways Lando Calrissian Could Die	Top Five Things That Would Be Different If Jabba the Hutt Was in the Mafia	You might be a Redneck Jedi if.....	New Phantom Menace related Top Ten lists

Top Ten things cut out of the Star Wars Trilogy

10. When Vader is walking down the hall and you hear George Lucas shout, "David your fly is open!"
9. Jawas hood falls down to reveal piece of coardboard with yellow buttons on them.
8. While talking to R2 you hear Anthony Daniels say, "Oh shut the F*** up you miserable puke!"
7. When Carrie Fisher steps in Ewok shit.
6. When Jeremy Bulloch(Boba Fett) accidently trips and falls on jabba and a midget squirts out of him.
5. Wedge begins to cry after Porkins dies.
4. When Billy Dee began to shout obscentities at Nien Numb.
3. When a Storm Trooper fell over and his helmet rolled off as a monkey popped out.
2. When Luke is battling the Tusken Raider, he knocks of his mask to reveal George Lucas.
1. When a sudden draft blows up the emperors robe revealing, "oddly shaped underpants."

Han Solo's Top Ten Pet Peeves

10. Having to live with the name "Han".
9. People always walk up to him and say, "Hey, you look just like Indiana Jones!"
8. Chewbacca won't shut the hell up! "Argghhh" this and "Arrggghhh" that.
7. Leia's finally wearing a skimpy slave girl outfit, and Han's blind!
6. Ben Kenobi's ghost always appears in his room every night saying, "Crazy old wizard, huh?!"
5. Never got money for rescuing Leia.
4. When in Mos Eisley, gay guys try to pick him up.
3. C3pO....who the hell doesn't?
2. People who borrow things they promise not to damage and then fly them into a superweapon trying to save the galaxy(talk about inconsiderate).
1. That damn hyperdrive never works!

Top Ten perverted sayings in Star Wars

10. "Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!"
9. "Look at the size of that thing!"
8. "C'mon Luke, let's blow this thing and go home!"
7. "I've felt him my master."
6. "Ahhh, yes. The Jedi's weapon...much like your father's."
5. You judge me by my size, do you?"
4. "I can't it's too big."
3. "R2 you can't repair the Hyperdrive, your not finished with me yet..."
2. "Put that thing away, your gonna' get us all killed..."
1. "Get in there you big furry off, I don't care what you smell!"

Top Ten ways that you know you bought a second rate Death Star

10. The Jawas sold it to you at a loss.
9. All the passageways lead to bottomless pits.
8. The "Intel Inside" sticker is starting to peel off.
7. It has the "ability to destroy planets", but is insignificant next to the power of the force.
6. It has a small thermal exaust port just belwo the main port.
5. It is not a fully armed and operational battle station.
4. Wont' go into hyperspace unless you "clap twice".
3. It has "imperfect" stamped on it.
2. Doesn't come with the "Goooh-bert, Gooh-bert" sound of Darth.
1. It's only half a sphere.

Top Ten things you'll *never* hear in a Star Wars movie

10. "No, Lord Vader wasn't upset at all. He just said not to let it happen again!"
9. "Holy Crap! That Stormtrooper almost got me with that shot!"
8. "You know, I really miss that fat-ass Jabba character."
7. "Your right kid, it *is* a piece of junk!
6. "Boba Fett? *That* wuss!"
5. "Porkins, move your fat-ass!"
4. "Scotty!! We need more power!"
3. "Hey Leia!! Nice ass!"
2. "I have a *great* feeling about this.
1. "I agree with c3po."

Dave Lettermen's Top ten surprises in the Special Editions

10. Part of Chewbacca now played by a shirtless Ed Asner.
9. Commander of the Death Star: Dr. Kevorkian.
8. Land speeders replaced with bitchin' pink Miatas.
7. Comic relief provided by Cheech Marin as Luke Skywalker's wacky mexican caddy.
6. Darth Vader's voice goes up 3 octaves after Dennis Rodman kicks
him in the groin.
5. Instead of "May the force be with you," Obi Wan Kenobi says, "Show me the money."
4. Keeps coming on the P.A. to point out clouds that look like his old
high school teachers.
3. Luke and Darth Vader work together to beat the crap out of a bunch of Trekkies.
2. New scene in which Jabba The Hutt is hugged by a sobbing Richard Simmons.
1. R2D2? Gay

Wizard magazine's Top Ten Scenes that didn't make it into the "Star Wars Special Editions"

10. C-3po discovering that the Jawa he just dropped into the fire
wasn't quite dead.
9. Uncle Owen backhanding Luke to get him to stop whining about
power converters.
8. The startled Ronto taking a giant crap on the Mos Eisley street.
7. Han Solo backhanding Luke to get him to stop whining about the
10,000 credits.
6. Porkins with his shirt off eating fried cheese.
5. Obi-wan backhanding Luke to get him to stop whining about going
to Alderaan.
4. The C-3PO/R2-D2 car chase from the Palace Hotel and Ballroom
to the Honorable Mayor Richard J. Daley Plaza.
3. Darth Vader backhanding Luke to get him to stop whining about
being his son.
2. Boba Fett actually doing something.
1. R2-D2 backhanding Luke to get him to stop whining about his
secret mission for the alliance.

Oweiss@goems.com's Ten Ways You Know Your X-Wing Is In Trouble

10. Your targeting computer whacks you in the back of your head.
9. You turn it off only to have it poke you in the eye.
8. R2 unit says "Oops".
7. R2 unit says "uh-oh".
6. R2 unit seen hailing a taxi.
5. Your X-wings open and close randomly.
4. You hit the Hyperdrive and go BACKWARDS.
3. You try to fire torpedoes but only hear a grinding noise.
2. You just fired torpedoes into the thermal exhaust port... and stall out.
1. You've just landed after destroying the Death Star... but the hatchcover is jammed shut.

Top Ten Ways Lando Calrissian Could Die

10. Goes for a nice morning jog and forgets that he lives in a city in the clouds.
9. Sickle-cell disease.
8. Hunter mistakes his Afro for a mynock.
7. The Ugnaughts fiddle around with Lobot's "good/evil" switch.
6. Greatly offends Jabba with a "Yo' mama's so fat" joke.
5. Beaten to death by crazed Tommy Lee Jones fans for that stupid Harvey Dent portrayal.
4. Tells a crowd of Rebels that Alderaan had it coming to them.
3. Informs Nien Nunb that he should "say it, don't spray it."
2. Does a gleeful victory dance as Han is put into the freezing chamber and falls in with him.
1. When he's hanging over the Sarlacc pit and Han tells him, "I can see a lot better now," taunts him by saying, "Ha! Bet you couldn't hit me, blind man!"

Basofarm@aol.com's Top Five Things That Would Be Different If Jabba the Hutt Was in the Mafia:

5. Jabba makes all his henchmen kiss a slimy ring on his tail.
4. Ree-Yees gets busted by the feds for bootlegging Sullustan gin in flagrant violation of the Eighteenth Amendment.
3. Instead of freezing Han in carbonite, Jabba cuts of Chewie's head and puts it at the foot of Han's bed while he's sleeping.
2. There is an amusing scene where a Gamorrean guard sings opera.
1. Look closely; one of the "aliens" is actually Jimmy Hoffa wearing a ton of makeup so nobody will recognize him.

Not technically a top ten list, but...
You might be a Redneck Jedi if.....

You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y�all."
Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
Wookiees are offended by your B.O.
You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn�t have to wait for a commercial.
You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it�ll be a hoot."
You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.
You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.
You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.
If you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father ... and your uncle ..."

THUROLY 3D@aol.com's Top Ten Reasons Episode One Blew

10.Jar Jar didn't stay stuck in the podracer engine.
9.Darth Maul died.
8.The Viceroys spoke with a chinese accent.
7.No arms or hands were cut off.
6.C-3PO was in it.
5.Qui Gon Dies.
4.Sounds like Frank Oz forgot how to do Yoda's voice.
3.Jake Lloyd was in it. (ever seen Jingle All the Way?)
2.Strange clicking noises coming from Boss Nass.
1.Stormtroopers were replaced by droids.

*Note: I omitted all complaints about Queen Amidala not being in skimpier dresses, teddies, slave girl outfits, or all of the above while swinging from a sail barge....

Got a top ten list? Send it to at Yoda591@aol.com!

Ahhh, many YODAS!